They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize