Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
