Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
