I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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