You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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