I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
please come you make the beer taste better
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
