According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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