Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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