Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
