mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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