Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
