I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
