I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
