I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you didnt know i had herpes?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
They took my balls.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
