her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
No subtext here. People are naked.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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