Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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