How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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