hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
