for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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