we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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