I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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