Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
