she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
