I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
