Little spoons don't ask big questions
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize