sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
