Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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