I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
