I just saw a hot homeless man
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
