I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
