I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
