She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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