I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
