So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
