Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
