i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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