I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
