I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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