I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This is classic penis vs brain.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize