On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
