pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
