I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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