Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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