I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
