I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
