I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
