Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
