now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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