Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
