Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
