happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
