Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize