Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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