i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
