Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
