dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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