Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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