I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
