and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize