I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
