I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
