if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
