mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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